Secure Parenting
Parenting can be so hard, every family and child is different - tailoring such general advice to fit everyone is like trying to fit a circle peg in a square hole.
I remember my parents trying different things as my sibling and I grew older and our needs (emotionally and physically) became different from the years before.
Although I have not been blessed to be a parent (yet), I do remember my wise parent saying: 'Adapting to how and what you need is what is important now. Not what I did in the past since things have changed'.
As I've read up more on secure attachment, it seems to have some core principles and a guiding framework, but no ridgity. After all, kids with their growing brain and bodies are always evolving - the only thing static is change itself.
Bowlby believes that babies form attachments and have a list of people that they form secure attachments to, with these people that babies can turn to in case of danger or needing comfort. Many studies have shown that the relationship between a baby and their parent has lifelong effects for the young child (2).
A secure attachment has at least three functions:
Gives security and safety
Emotional regulation through soothing, joy creation and calmness
Giving a child a baseline of secureness
Or in other words, the child needs to feel:
Safe
Soothed
Seen
Secure (4)
The caregiver/parent’s approach towards the child such as being calm, engaged and alert to their child’s need really matters to secure attachment. There has been times some people have taken attachment parenting to the extreme through constant physical closeness - a philosophy that could stress the parents and thus may not be beneficial to their child (1).
There have been studies long term that show being responsive and loving and developing an “organized and secure” attachment is super beneficial, acting like a shield against social and emotional issues for infants and children (3).
Children with secure attachments will also have increased empathy, trust, confidence to learn and be self-aware. (5)
Although responsiveness is valuable in a parent/child relationship, moderation and tailoring age-appropriately towards is really important: such as setting boundaries and limits when a child is able to understand these limits and rules (2).
This ability to balance being able to see to the child’s needs and give them the freedom to explore and come back to safety and security is necessary for growth and development (4). Creation of an environment of empathy for the child’s physical and emotional needs and having the ability to regulate our own emotions as their caregiver (4) has huge significance to secure attachment.
This doesn't mean being there for our children every minute of every day, but being there for some of the moments helps the child know that there will be someone when they need help and guidance. Thus allowing them to feel free to explore themselves and find their identity without judgement (4).
No one person is perfect and everyone has their own lens of the world. Being mindful of our own life experiences as individuals and how that carries us during our adulthood will give us a better understanding of how we will act and react to our children.
Mindfulness allows us to find ways to improve. It gives opportunities for ourselves to find relationships that nurture healthy behaviours and gives us an outlet to get our needs met - letting the child find this secure relationship with you instead of vice versa. (4).
When exploring how we formed our own relationships and attachments to others require self-reflective study. Self-reflection may not always be beautiful and could bring up past hurts and pain, so compassion and kindness to ourselves is significant. It allows us to bring awareness in our actions and how it can affect another human being in our care. (4)
Secure parenting isn't just about how we help another human being develop, it is also a form of exploration in self-awareness and growing within ourselves as well to be better caregivers and stewards to the growth and development of our children (4).
Just be kind to yourself. Perfection is not the key. Parenting is not linear and bumps on the road is normal.
References
1.https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_attachment_parenting_is_not_the_same_as_secure_attachment
https://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2017/3/31/what-is-a-secure-attachmentand-why-doesnt-attachment-parenting-get-you-there
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2724160/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/compassion-matters/201510/how-your-attachment-style-affects-your-parenting
https://www.healthline.com/health/secure-attachment-2